How do I know if a man is lying? Why is he lying in the first place?

Within a relationship, we are prone to being concerned, and readily shelter negative speculations. This does not help us in the least in listening to our hearts and intuition, and we resort to assuring ourselves to trust the man. Our uncertainty is most likely rooted in our previous experiences, given that men, indeed, lie. I must add, right away, that we, women, lie just the same, but we do not deem this to be as grave of a sin, and therefore fail to judge ourselves for it in the same way. We have developed a specialized sensory capability, however, for the detection of a man’s lies, and this ability is on standby 24/7. But why is this so, really?

Because we have yet to cultivate a technique with which we can surely expose male lies. We live our lives in constant fear, because if we search, we will surely find.  

Why does the man lie in a relationship?

It is uncomfortable for women, not exclusively men, when they make a mistake, or act improperly. Fundamentally, a healthy-minded man lies because he knows that if he told us the truth, he would cause us pain. In order to avoid the uncomfortable conversation or having to take responsibility, he distorts the truth or withholds what he knows we would disapprove of.

The roots of dishonesty, in fact, reach far into the past. Lying, in essence, is actually a mere outcome. If a stable-minded man in a functioning relationship resorts to lying, he needs a pressing motive. It would be nice to think that this dishonesty is solely the man’s fault, but this is unfortunately not the case. Since this is an effect, we must locate its cause. It is worth examining whether or not one of the following scenarios have ever unfolded in the past:

–       Reckoning

When we bring a man to reckoning, we are essentially training him to lie to us. It is worth asking ourselves the following questions: Why do we find it important to know about everything? Is it because we do not trust him? If that is so, what is the reason for this lack of trust?

If we have trust in the man and our relationship, then we have respect for him and his life, and we have no reason for interrogation. If we are defeatists, insecure, and undervalue ourselves, the results are uncertainty and accusations. 

–       We have to talk…

Information is processed differently in the male brain, than in the female brain. When hearing the exclamation, “we have to talk”, the man feels threatened, and thinks he did something wrong again, and he prepares to take on a fight with us. Only women believe that giving speeches is part of a healthy relationship. When we wish to speak about something with our partner, timing is key. Make sure the surroundings are relaxed, and the man is well fed. This is very important because hunger can induce negative responses. Do not draw his attention beginning with the “we have to talk” phrase, but instead address the matter on your mind during casual conversation. His reaction will be drastically different in a calm and pleasant environment, even if the news he receives is unpleasant. 

–       Control

We must understand that men are often unstoppable. If he sets a goal, he is determined to obtain it too. When we try to control the man, we are hindering his free will, and at that point, he will pursue what he put his mind to out of mere defiance. If we open up to him about how we feel, and through using female communication techniques, guide him back onto the right path (I thoroughly dive into these communication techniques in my book, titled 99%), he will be willing to make changes. By attempting to control him, the only thing we achieve is continued dishonesty on his part, because whatever he commits to, he will do regardless.

Why else does a man lie?

– Because he is lost and cannot find his way.  

Since he wants to avoid conflict, he does not take responsibility for his improper actions. He is very aware that he would cause pain and sadness, so he lies instead. Even if the matter entails liking innocent pictures, or platonic chats with women, he will not take accountability, lest he causes any anguish, even unintentionally. But if he is innocent, why does he mislead us anyway? Because something is not right at home – something has spoiled. If everything in the relationship is satisfactory, then he does not steer off of the tried and tested path, and does not turn to seek out another woman. The problem does not begin when our partner becomes interested in other women. The issue originates long before. It is also possible that our partner has always had these tendencies, but if that is the case, we must investigate why we attracted such a man in the first place. The most common reason, however, is that the relationship was great at one point, but spoiled or transformed as time passed. As such an occurrence unravels, emptiness manifests itself within the man, and he starts to search for new opportunities that have the potential of compensating for that has been lost. And yet, out of discretion, he is reluctant to admit, or take responsibility, for feeling this way.

– Because he is afraid he will hurt us.

If we neglect ourselves, for example, the man will not declare how unappealing we look to our face, unless he has already withdrawn and grown cold. Men feel they are responsible for those around them. If the man sees a sorrowful expression on the face of one of these people, his protection program is called to action, and he feels he must act. He initially attempts averting the development of an uncomfortable situation by making excuses, telling lies, explaining himself, and transferring responsibility. 

– Because the man would be judged negatively.

Sometimes, they make a mistake, and they feel they are not able to resolve the problem. They feel helpless, and do not want to appear powerless.

When we realize that a man is being dishonest, we must inspect a perspective other than exclusively our own. Detect what the real reason of the lying is. If we are able to resolve this, and are capable of making changes, then the man will not resort to acting out in ways that could hurt us. 

Unfortunately, we cannot expect a man not to lie, because, as a result of evolutionary developments, his brain is programmed for such behavior. But as women, we are able to take action in order to prevent dishonesty. If our partner is lying, let us process it as a warning sign, and examine the reasoning for this, without confronting him right away. In order to have the ability to change, we must thoroughly get to know our partner, and see him as his authentic self, by putting aside our expectations. 

If more questions are surfacing for you, and you crave far more detailed answers to all of your “why’s”, warmly recommend my book about the complexities of relationships, titled 99% Be the One!, in which you will discover many comparable examples and engaging features. The book further uncovers:

–       How to evolve into a “queen”,

–   What is emotive communication, how do we communicate as true women,

–   How you can be the most valuable to a man, not merely beneficial,

–   How to avoid being used by men,

–   Learn how men operate,

–   How to achieve for a man to do anything for you,

–   …And I reveal secret tips on how you can control your man.

With Love: Valeria

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