What should I do, if I am the “other” woman?

Shame, negative judgment, scorn is unfortunately a common side effect of this status. Thus most women do not open up about their situation, only suppress it. For this reason, we have no way of knowing the real numbers of how many women take on this difficult and unforgiving role, not to mention those who took on this “intoxicating” role unknowingly, simply because the man covered up his marital status. When emotions are raging, it is very hard to step back and consider new perspectives in order to make a different decision. Women are much more vulnerable in this relationship than the married man. I, unfortunately, don’t have comforting news for them. According to statistics, in fact, the chance of men leaving their spouses for a new relationship is only 2-3%. Why is that so?

One of the main pillars of male functioning is possession. They own their house, car, wife, and children. The two categories within this ownership are as follows: useful and important. As long as the man receives the attention, care, and respect from the woman in their relationship, she remains important. When the emotions subside, and the relationship changes, the wife remains part of the ownership but moves from the important category to the useful one. She cooks, cleans, raises the children, and is there to converse with. As a result, the man has no intention of renouncing the comforts that he has gotten used to over the course of many years. He doesn’t want to leave his home and family, since they include the children, who belong to the important category. The man does not wish to extend the ownership status to the lover since that relationship lacks the proper foundations for it; they didn’t go through important life-events and do not share joint accomplishments either. The man only extends his emotions to the third party, to re-experience those fresh, elemental feelings; he once had with his wife. Therefore, the lover is only a “supplement” for the man, in order for him to achieve unity with himself. No matter how strong his emotions are and how powerful the love is, when forced to make a decision between the two, he will not choose the lover. Why?

Because on the other side of the equation, there are more possessions. Men are capable of suppressing their emotions, in order to preserve what they already own. This is in fact even more important than his emotions. Men love to tell stories to their lovers about the estrangement at home, the disappearance of physical affection, and make her believe that they stay together with their wife purely because of the children.

We must know that this is not true, the man just does not want to admit it, not even to himself. The wife will sense that something is wrong and will take the necessary action to regain both the body and soul relationship with her husband, and he will not resist this. It doesn’t matter if the wife went from the important to the useful category because he cares for the useful category just the same as the important one. He may be in love with the new woman, but the possessions – for which he already made much effort – are more important for him, therefore that is what he will choose.

The following two scenarios can unfold if the lover reveals the husband’s infidelity to the wife:

–             The wife collects his belongings and banishes him from the home, or

–             There will be a lengthy conversation – and this is what happens more often because the wife does not want to uproot everything either – during which they both reveal the emotional wounds they have suffered, their desires, and essentially mend the relationship. After the thorough discussion, the wife will start to change, make modifications, pay better attention to the husband, and they agree to try again. It goes without saying, the lover will be left behind.

If the first case scenario occurs, and the man is greeted with his personal belongings outside the door, he still won’t be choosing the lover in the long term. Why not?

Even if he remains together with the lover for a while, the ex-wife will turn the children against their father and the new woman, which the man does not want. The children, under the influence of the mother, won’t seek a relationship with the father, or may even refuse to spend time with him, which he is very afraid of. As a result, he will decide to start with a completely fresh slate instead, leaving everything and everyone behind. Once he sorts out his situation and regains his strength, an entirely new woman will enter his life. This woman will have nothing to do with the separation, someone who is pure and blameless. By the time this happens, the wife is probably calmer and has no reason to be mad at the other woman either. Next to the new partner, the husband will be more balanced, everyone will be more at ease, and the new relationship will flourish as well.

Women are capable of being stuck in the mistress role for many years. They can’t break away from the relationship and await a miracle. They trust, hope, and believe that it will be different with them. At this point, it’s worth turning towards self-awareness and determining why they are in this position in the first place. Why are they paramours, and why do they seek a dependent relationship, characterized by emotional attachment?

Yes, this is something they actively seek out, even if it isn’t conscious. Because, in fact, it is the combination of subconscious conditioning and our adopted belief systems, that define us, which our surroundings and the universe reflect. It doesn’t matter if we consciously wish it were another way, because if the way we are programmed supports the mistress status, then that is what will manifest. We must find the root of this negative imprint by using one of many self-awareness methods and transform it into a belief-system that truly supports us. It’s also worth examining whether a similar situation has ever developed in our family’s history, making it a possibility that we are merely taking on a female ancestor’s fate ourselves. Once we find out, and replace the patterns that inhibit us, the universe and our surroundings will instantaneously react to the improved standard. It may be a possible outcome of this that the man indeed makes a commitment to us, but what is even more likely, is that we will be the ones exiting the relationship with relief and without pain. We realize that we deserve more, we are more valuable, and we will be ready for a relationship where we are important and even respected.

If more questions are surfacing for you, and you crave far more detailed answers to all of your “why’s”, warmly recommend my book about the complexities of relationships, titled 99%, in which you will discover many comparable examples and engaging features. 

With Love: Valeria 

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