How do men function in quarantine?

We live in unprecedented times, and the epidemic not only endangers the wellbeing of our loved ones as well as our own health but can also negatively impact our relationships.

While we all try our best to manage the challenges brought on by this unfamiliar situation, we might not even realize that our relationship is in need of protection too. In theory, this might seem like a simple task, but many pitfalls may arise in execution, which can particularly test the certainty of our emotions, and the stability of our relationship. We are familiar with our own feelings, but we are much less knowledgeable in regards to what others feel, or how they think.

Men function very differently during emergency situations than during stress-free ones. Generations-worth of programming of the human subconscious manifests during times of crisis, and penetrate into daily life. It was this same programming of the brain that made it possible for men to fight, obtain food, and provide protection. Even though today’s man has alternate ways of completing his responsibilities, the archaic, innate instincts still remain present. In modern-day, it is not a saber tooth tiger or timber wolf he must face, but an invisible enemy, against which helplessness is the greatest weakness.

Men are afraid, or taken aback, by nothing. The male ego forbids fear otherwise, he could not bear to face himself in the mirror. He builds a fortress around his heart in order to blockade emotions, and instilling priority in his courage, utilizing his instincts, he continues his fight in order to protect his loved ones.

Consequently, even in the current moment, our hero raises his sword against his cloaked enemy. Although there is no visible battle-scene, and his sword is purely symbolic, he continues to fight onward in accordance with his opportunity and environment, outdoing himself in order to attain the solution.

Currently, the top priority of a man is his survival and his health, since one must be in full strength in order to overcome the impossible and ensure us with security. He often needs solitude and isolation in order to unearth a solution. When he recluses, he may avoid conversations, encounters, and completely seclude himself, or even reveal his raw, unrestrainable power. At this time we may feel like he is cold towards us, and is avoiding our company. He may hurt us; cause us pain, without intending to. While drawing his sword, he may wound us along the way too.

If we too, draw our swords in response, then he does not identify us as the woman, but as the enemy, he must defeat.

This is the point in time when we usually tend to argue, quarrel, and exacerbate the situation. But at this time the man craves victory at all costs, and he will commit everything in order to cause pain, harm, and trample on our feelings in order to win the fight. If this is the case, how do we defend ourselves?

Let’s be prepared for this occurrence and once we recognize it, let’s remain women! Allow us to make use of our true feminine qualities, our original female roles. Let us be very patient, composed, understanding, wise, poised, and full of love. Replace yelling with soft, conservative emotional communication. Replace fighting mechanisms with soothing, comforting ones, and bewilderment with support. 

E.g.: “Darling! I understand you are upset, but I am afraid if you yell at me like this. Your words cause me pain, and I am hurt that you’re speaking to me like this. I don’t think I deserve this. Please, speak more quietly and calmly. I know, you are capable of solving everything.” Spoken very kindly and softly.

The man will then realize that it is not the enemy he is facing but in fact a woman. He will not hesitate to return his sword to its sheath. 

When all is well, there is peace, and we must bear to “simply” tolerate the other person, we can considerably ease the tension – or even prevent arguments if we recognize the man’s actions and the greatness of his efforts. Simply put, let’s praise the man, whenever possible. Let us commend his demonstrations of will, strength, ideas, ability to find solutions to problems, and therefore reassure our love.

E.g.: “Darling! It’s so exceptional that you are capable of such grand deeds and gestures, even during such a period. Your efficacy is impressive. I have never encountered a man as strong as you before. You can solve anything. I am the luckiest woman in the world! I feel safe and secure around you. You are extremely important to me, and I love you so much.”   

The most common and prevalent flaws of women include pride and a sense of justice.

Let’s put those aside. Allow us to embody our inner gentle, wise woman, who has the ability to react with collectedness, control, and words of kindness.

Be actively aware of the other person. Communicate often to familiarize yourself with how the other person operates. Visualize objectives and goals in the future, which you may attain together.

Rightfully, the question may arise, “And what about our feelings?”, “Why doesn’t he make a change?”, “Why should it be me that takes a different approach?”

Because we would need to reprogram many millions of male brains, which is impossible.

If more questions are surfacing for you, and you crave far more detailed answers to all of your “why’s”, warmly recommend my book about the complexities of relationships, titled 99%, in which you will discover many comparable examples and engaging features. 

With Love: Valeria Tari

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