How can we hold on to a man?

The society of today increasingly wants to make us think that a certain stereotypical woman exists. Types of thought-processes, products, and services surface which conditions us to reach for the currently worshipped ideal, even at the cost of degrading our own selves. But if we look deep within ourselves, then we know that the perfect woman is exactly how we imagine. The true woman lives inside of us all, in fact, and is unique to each of us. However, if the true woman is indeed within us, then how come we fail to exist as the manifestation of her?

Negative self-assessment, defeatism, fear, and lack of self-confidence stemming from models and patterns from our upbringing can make us believe that we are not pretty, attractive, lovable, worthy, smart, or good enough. (It is worth taking the time to work through these negative imprints using methods of inner-self exploration, in order to transform them into positive and supportive beliefs.) The continuous “I’m not enough” attitude results in feelings of inferiority and constant fear of losing the man in our lives.

As women, we often think that in order to “hold on” to our man, we must engage in some sort of pantagruelian accomplishment, something beyond ourselves. We believe that the man will only remain by our side if we put in enormous amounts of energy and an abundance of work to qualify for a certain standard.  In order to ensure our position, we undertake impossible tasks and needlessly carry considerable burdens on our shoulders. Because the strain is massive, and we are trying to measure up to the requirements, we one day realize how exhausted and unhappy we are, and our relationship starts to deteriorate. This frightens us, so we take on even more weight until it buries us completely and without warning. We continue fighting further, and our once enthusiastic outlook mutates into agonizing daily routine, for which we don’t receive even as much as an acknowledgment.

This is a trap, which we have set for ourselves, and voluntarily walked into.

Men, in fact, do not yearn for a self-sacrificing, personality-deprived, and subservient woman. Clean laundry, a tidy home, and tasty meals alone do not make a man stay by a woman’s side. When choosing a mate, at the beginning of the relationship, these were not the deciding factors. At the start of getting to know one another, the man is intrigued by whether or not he enjoys himself in our company, not whether or not we are super slaves. At that point, adventure, impishness, curiosity, conversation, and laughter characterize the relationship. While getting acquainted, we are enticing, sweet, caring, attentive, and understanding women. As time passes, we transform into harboring female beings, which are unrecognizable when compared to our previous selves.

There is no need for us to become heroines, or subservient and all agreeing within our relationship, in order to hold on to our man.

We have one single task, as follows: we must enjoy ourselves!

We must laugh, rejoice, and have time for ourselves. If we give up on ourselves, we lose the exact enchantment that once made an impression on the man. If we are unable to experience joy and bliss and are merely meeting standards and undertaking burdens, the man will perceive this as having lost the woman he once fell in love with. The man will always look for the woman he once met.

Men are not in search of a servant for themselves! I know that we have a great deal on our plate overall, and we must tend to our necessary obligations, but let us complete them with enthusiasm, rather than dread. Do something because you have a need to, rather than because others expect it from you. And, do this in a way that you remain your own priority.

We must always place number one in our own lives!

Because, in fact, those in our vicinity can only feel pleasant, if we do too. The most important thing is to invest in ourselves, because that way, even if we do end up associating with a jerk, after all, we still get to keep our selves, and walk away with the lessons we have learned and the energy we have put in. We lose all the energy we invest in others, and overcoming such a situation is terribly challenging.

How do I know whether or not a man is serious about me?

Many of us have first-handedly experienced that during the acquaintance period of a romantic relationship, the man leads us on, makes empty promises, makes us believe he will down the stars from the sky for us, and he stops at nothing in order to get us in bed with him. Once the particular “first time” occurs, the man’s behavior may change, and we may rightfully be asking, “Is he really serious, or is he just playing games with me?”

The answer is very simple. If the man continues to seek us and does things for us, then he is serious about us. If, however, he does not, then unfortunately we were indeed only needed for that. In order to avoid disappointment, it is worth delaying this first time for a while, and, in the meantime, continuously “testing” the man, in order to examine whether or not he is willing to do things for us. How do we “test” the man?

Let us be fascinating, sweet, captivating, and rather than believing what he says, compel him to act.

Ask something of him that is important to you, but not at all to him.

E.g.: “Darling! I’m in the kitchen, up against a stubborn mason jar. I am so delicate; I cannot get it to open. You are such a strong and amazing man! Would you be willing to come over for me, and use your power to defeat my enemy, please? I am certain you are able to open it!”

Evidently, we are also capable of opening the jar, but in this case, the point is to test whether or not he is willing to do something for us. (This is something I cover extensively in my book titled 99%.) If he does come over to open it, then we are undoubtedly important to him. Make sure to praise him, but do not allow getting in bed with you to be the reward. If he refuses the request, it is important to determine whether it is for a valid reason or just an excuse. If it’s merely an excuse, then it is highly possible, unfortunately, that we are not important to him.    

Once we have passed the first-year mark, and the man continues to come over regularly, sometimes even bringing flowers, but nothing more, we may be asking ourselves the question, “Is he serious about us?” once again. At this time, we must utilize our female communication techniques (another topic I thoroughly explain in my book, 99% by Valeria Tari), and we must begin withdrawing from the relationship.

We need to communicate our emotions, and kindly and calmly inform him how uneasy we feel. We do not know how things will go on in the future, we are unable to make plans, and this is not pleasant for us. Express how important he is to you, how much you love him, but that you fear this uncertainty, and it is very important that you live in safety and stability. Without that, we do not know whom we belong to, or where we are headed. Once we have opened up to him, we ease out of the relationship. This may be frightening, and we might find ourselves asking the question, “What will life be like without him?”

If he does stop seeking us out and does not chase after us, then he indeed wants to exit the relationship. We most likely meant more to him than a mere fling, yet we were not important enough for him to make a commitment to us. This will probably be difficult to overcome, but at least we will no longer be wasting our time on someone who doesn’t deserve us.

However, if he does chase after us, then we are important to him and can feel free to enquire about his intentions and future plans.

Men need multiple years’ time to decide what they want from a woman. If he is serious about us, he will act on it and will go out of his way to do things that are important to us. There is no need for several years of getting to know each other because we learn everything about one another within the first year. It is important to understand the man and recognize what motivates him. If we have this awareness, we can quickly discern, through our female communication techniques, whether he is serious about us or not.

I recommend reading my book, 99%, or completing the two online courses. “Taming a man” and “Queen Training”

With Love: Valeria