How to avoid becoming servants … and the mystery of lost socks.
As women, we may often think, that by completing all the chores at home, we are embodying the essence of femininity, and in spite of all the running around, we receive no appreciation, and still lack happiness.
The answer is very simple. A positive opinion of a woman does not correlate to the amount of work she completes, but much more to the extent of how well she is able to hold space for her feminine roles and qualities.
The martyr woman yearning to meet today’s society’s standards learns, that in this world, the achievement is of upmost importance. Because she wants to be the (stereotype) woman in response to the pressures from the media, she fights to become that with strength, but not as a woman, but through masculine battle. She doesn’t have the slightest clue that she goes against herself, her authentic femininity, and denies her original female roles in the process. She falls into a trap of swallowing and enduring everything and wanting to meet expectations at any cost. In spite of all the effort and work, her worth decreases, and she does not understand the reason for this. Thus, she puts in even more effort, fights even harder, takes on even more tasks, all the way up until she breaks and becomes a servant. She feels helpless and lonely, but one question constantly bounces around in her mind: “but then what does the man need?”
The man needs a queen!
It is difficult to accept that we, too, can be “queens”, if we have spent years diving ourselves into the servant role, and have lost just the thing we have worked so hard for in the process. We do not have to take everything upon us, tolerate silently, and complete everything in order to gain the man’s recognition. We must simply become “queens”! The “queen” is neither a querulous, spoiled princess nor a virago. The “queen” is priceless, full of confidence, sets boundaries using calm methods, and has grace. Men find such a woman to be valuable, and what is valuable is also important to them, and they protect what is important. How do we become “queens”?
Take care of yourself! And don’t let time be your excuse! Only a servant has no time for herself. The “queen” does what she needs to, in fact, she completes the chores too, but, after eating the meal she made, no one is to destroy the table, then leave it. The “queen” washes what’s in the laundry basket too, but only what is in the basket, and not the socks left under the couch. If he runs out of clean pants or socks, the husband will notice. At this time, the “queen” may speak the words that establish her value:
“Love of my life! I washed everything you placed in the laundry basket. I figured the remaining clothing items were left where they are now because you still intend on wearing them. Is it possible I misunderstood? Please help me so I can know which ones you wish to wear into battle, and which ones you do not. What you leave out, indicates to me you still want to wear them, and what you place in the laundry basket indicates ‘please wash this, darling’, and I will wash it because I love you…”
Yes, exactly like this! If you have doubts, try it out yourself! Give yourself 2 weeks, test the method, and you will feel the difference. The house may be full of dirty laundry everywhere until then, but your victorious day is yet to come! You sit back and comfortably enjoy your coffee since you have held up your end of the agreement. Is this really attainable? This is what I answer in my book, titled 99%, as well as in the “Taming a Man” and the “Queen Training” online courses.
The true essence of a woman dwells within us like an uncut diamond.
The only way we can accomplish achievements in life is if we work for them. We can decide for ourselves whether we gear up for a sock war, draw our sword and fight with the man, or come to understand the male functioning instead, utilize female communication techniques – this is something my book, 99%, also touches on – and transform into “queens”. We must put our energy into something, and work for one or the other, but which one is going to give us results? Do we invest in ourselves, or in battle, and remain servants?
If we fight the man with force, significant arguing can develop. The man, as a matter of fact, if met with an opposing force, does not look at who faces him. Force/strength is the male foundation, so naturally, deriving from ancient roles, he considers any opposing force to be the enemy, and therefore wants to defeat it. In contrast, if we remind ourselves that the parallel to force is emotion, and we voice our emotions too, then the man will quickly realize that it is not an enemy he faces, but a woman. If we know the “secret to femininity” and can make use of it too, we will gain a great deal of respect, and the man will value is too. In order to achieve this, though, it is crucial we are aware that the secret to femininity manifests in the attitude, character, and actions of the “queen”.
Coco Chanel has a well-known saying:
“There is no such thing as a bad woman, only a lazy one.”
One half of the relationship we dream of already exists. We are that existing half, as well as the ones that can take action towards shaping the relationship into how we want it to be. Take care of yourself, invest in yourself, and transform into a woman who feels good in her own skin. What do you need in order to achieve this?
1. A gentle, feminine confidence is crucial. An essential part of this is understanding the man. Being a mother-in-law-to-be, I would most preferably hand my daughter-in-law my book, 99%, so she will know how to manage her relationship with my son from the get-go. If we understand the man, we will not have to fear being defenseless to occurrences. We will be able to decipher whether our “king” truly is a “king”, or simply a “stray knight”, possibly swineherd.
2. Our feminine aura is also crucial. We must be aware of what it is that men desire, what it is we are good at, and what those things are, which we could improve upon. How attractive are we, and how well are we able to take care of someone?
3. We must not forget, that feminine power is not equal to a forceful woman. A forceful woman battle pushes, and “wants to save the world”, even if it means sacrificing her femininity. Naturally, a consequence of this is that she fights, runs, loses her cool, and then argues. On the contrary, let us be “vulnerable” women, because men like to be of service, and let’s use this to our advantage too. Notice what the man can be of service to you with, and if he doesn’t notice on his own, ask for his help using female communication techniques.
4. Be very understanding, namely smart, which does not equal being opportunist. Instead of demanding, ask. Every man is fond of things going according to his liking. If you want your own wishes to prevail, ask well!
5. “A woman is wonderful due to her own self.” Allow us to forget that having a man by our side is what makes us real women. We have no need to search for a real man in order to be able to become real women. If we believe that only through a man can we become real women, we will never be that. We are always real women, we only have to unveil ourselves from behind the mask feminism has imposed upon us. Our insistence on our rights nears misinterpreted combat. To live out our femininity, however, we need a real man, but he will not appear for us unless we are ready, and then bring him to life.
In order to attain the desired condition, we must, before anything else, recognize our own faults and limitations, and we need to disentangle ourselves first. It is nearly crucial to remain open enough to avoid the rejection of the opportunities for change and seeing alternate perspectives. We have to get to know the man, how he functions, and we must understand why he does what he does. We have to detect what isn’t working in our relationship, and why it isn’t working. You may do this on your own, or if you are unable to find answers, I recommend reading my book, 99%, or completing the two online courses.
With love: Valeria