What is your question, and what are you seeking the solution to?
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Please, before you write to me about your current problem, read the webpage. Perhaps that will already give you the answer to your question.
From the very start, I would like to state that the book and this website are committed to the goal of helping you. I am with you, and you are important. Possibly, though, I will not write the reply that you would like to hear. I make no promises or guarantees. All I can give are the revelations and experiences that helped me. However, I am certain that many other women can make use of them. The goal is to bring about a solution from another perspective, from a different system of thought, since a solution cannot be generated from any thought pattern that gave rise to the original problem. Consequently, I urge you to read these lines with an open mind and make an effort to take in the information. I believe that I can show what is broken, the reason it broke down, and how to do things differently. I intend for you to be happy, but success depends on you alone.
Unfortunately, the news I have to give you will not put you at ease.
It is no singular event when a man goes out with his rifle to shoot. Nor is it strange for us women to walk out in front of the rifle and get ourselves shot. For the man, in such cases, the challenge is over, because he hit his target. Most of the time, there are two possible causes for this.
The first is that the initial, introductory phase was not long enough, and he was not able to form a deep impression of you. He didn’t develop any sense of responsibility, which he should have had for your feelings. Essentially, he didn’t have time to get to know you better, and what he did see in you so far was not intriguing enough for him, so he no longer felt motivated. That doesn’t mean, though, that you’d fail to fascinate somebody else. For him, you weren’t the one. If the introductory period had lasted a little longer, perhaps he would have discovered something in you to make him decide, “I want this!” If you are intriguing enough from the first moment, then it really doesn’t matter when that special “first night together” happens. Here, however, it was a little rushed. His main source of curiosity was satisfied, and he moved on.
The other scenario is that he didn’t have the slightest intention of committing himself and simply seized the opportunity like a roving hunter. These poachers like to shoot down small game. They don’t like large animals, because the challenge is too great for them, and they don’t want to spare the time. These petty hunters make a lot of noise, but they have no serious intentions. If he was a poacher, you can be grateful it turned out this way. You avoided further difficulties, since poachers are not capable of remaining faithful in relationships, either.
Try to look at the situation this way. You learned from this, and next time, you’ll be more careful. Count it as a positive learning experience. What I would certainly do in your position is to examine my system of beliefs to find out why I have a need for such relationships. What is it that fosters this sort of relationship? If you know that and can replace it with something else, then, very likely, it will not happen the next time. This could be a pattern you learned from childhood, something to do with your father or your pals in day-care.
There are many consciousness-raising, self-awareness methods that could help. My favorites are Theta Healing, Family Sculpting (or Family Constellations), and Ayahuasca. I wholeheartedly recommend any of them. In the book, you will find numerous methods for finding out next time whether he is truly interested in you.
In my experience, men are very kind and devoted until they achieve the goal that they have in mind. Until they can get into our beds, they make promises, they act cute and sweet, and they say only what we want to hear. They understand this very well, and we soon stroll right into the trap. We believe it all, because they make a strong impression and seem to promise the future we desire.
Every line written with love,
In my experience, men very often approach a relationship from its sexual content alone. This is actually very important since it means that they desire us, but it is also a subtle sign that, in essence, they want nothing else out of the relationship. If you are afraid that, as a result of your refusal, he would leave you, then your feeling may be correct. Under those circumstances, perhaps he would leave you. All he wants is sex, and he wants it quickly. I will quietly note that if you say no, there will be another candidate within a couple of hours who will say yes. You must weigh how much you need him and at what cost. Take stock of yourself and be certain of your own value. He will get what he wants, by all means, just don’t let him get it from you because you deserve much better. You’re much more valuable than that. You shouldn’t be used by someone who simply wants to go to bed with you. Have some dignity. I would certainly put this man to the test, and it is entirely possible that he may pass it. If he withstands the trial, then there is a chance the relationship can develop further. If he fails the test, then perhaps it’s worth considering that you should seek out someone who truly appreciates you. (I go into great detail about this test in the book.) Ask yourself the question, “Is this really what I need, to be used, to only matter as a sexual object? Or do I need someone who will respect, love, and honor me, so I can feel important?”
I must start by saying that feminine fighting is impossible. After all, women don’t battle. That’s a man’s business. The moment you go to war, you cease to be a woman. A tenet of femininity is the lack of a fighting instinct. Women have dignity, an extraordinary source of female power, and countless virtues. Our strength comes from within and does not burst out. That’s why we have completely different characteristics than men. A woman doesn’t wish to fight for her rights. Instead, she feels she is a “Queen.” Once we are capable of feeling we are “Queens,” then we already know that we have rights, and we don’t need to fight for them. Within a “Queen,” there is a very strong internal power, true dignity. As a result, it’s not a question of who knows it. She knows her place and her privileges. She knows where to draw the line, and she knows her position beside a man. Don’t fight for your rights, just be a “Queen” who already has rights. One can do what one pleases with a servant, even bid them off to Hell, but no one would dare do that to a “Queen.”
In order to achieve our aims, we must be women. It’s been encoded in us from the very start, only we’ve suppressed it with our learned patterns of behavior. This quality is in our walk, in our gestures, in our words, and in our emotions. In order to allow this feminine side to serve us, it’s worthwhile examining what has been ingrained in us, the patterns we have derived from our childhood. If necessary, we need to establish new patterns that allow our true feminine nature to surface.
I completely sympathize with you. I know what a painful period you are going through. I imagine that you were already aware that there was trouble. If we behave like the average female, then we’d find fault with others, make accusations, and do everything to make him feel bad. We’d go into hysterics or plead with him. But we are not mere females, we are real women, so we seek out the solution by examining ourselves.
Before anything else, I would ask myself the question, “What do I want from my husband?”
After that, I would like to know the reason. I wouldn’t ask him. I’d begin by searching myself and seeing what I did badly or where I could have made a mistake. If I do not know and don’t bother to learn where I made a mistake, then the solution will not be found.
A large percentage of men go astray because they are not able to live out their real manhood in the relationship. The woman doesn’t respect him, look up to him, or pay him the proper attention. The woman beside him is not the one he originally got to know. These things can depend on very tiny details, which are covered in detail in the book.
If I am able to confront myself, together with all my flaws, then I will already be relieved afterward, because I’ve brought down my opposition and denial. Even my fury melts away. At this point, I can see clearly and easily make a decision.
In such cases, I can decide between two alternatives:
- Stick it out and do everything to save my marriage, or
- Pack up his things outside the door the very next afternoon.
Understanding and being able to see things from an objective point of view are very important. That is why I’d be sure to speak to another man independent of my husband. After hearing him out, I would confront my own flaws. If I decide to save my marriage, I would put on my finest clothes and accessories and become a grand Queen. I would be aware that I have a very long road ahead of me and that I must be very strong, but if I have the determination, then I will prevail. In the coming period, I must be clever, conscious, committed, and very patient. I must also understand clearly what can and what cannot be done. This would be my list of things not to do.
It is forbidden to:
- adopt the “let’s sit down and talk it over” approach
- make accusations
- go into hysterics
- pass judgments
- make conditions
- humble yourself before the man
- beg and plead, etc.
The first thing I would certainly do is take care of myself. I would make myself into such a “Queen” that the world has never seen. (In the book, you will find out how we can be “Queens.”) Then, “as a Queen,” I’d ask him very kindly, “Can I help you pack up all your clothes?” If I am able to handle that with dignity, then it is very likely, at that point, he’ll begin to think whether it’s worth it for him to toss away the previous years. If I communicate and deploy my emotions “as a Queen,” then he will realize who he is abandoning. He will see me for my real values and what we have created together. If we are able to remain dignified “Queens,” then the marriage can be saved.
If I decide to end the relationship, I’d pack his things together within a short time and, without a word, put them outside the door. I’d establish strong boundaries and summon up all of my dignity.
In order to soothe your pain a little, I’ll share with you that men do not normally cheat on their wives with women that they want to live with. Generally, these women play temporary roles in the man’s journey, because, for the time being, they only want to make up for the feelings that are missing in their marriages. They only draw strength from them to refresh themselves, and then they ride off to continue their lives with renewed energy. In 99% of cases, the lovers, with whom they cheat on their wives, will never be these men’s partners. Comparatively, then, your value is much greater.
It all depends on you and your decision.
You are in a very difficult position, and I am cheering you on in your efforts to solve it.
If someone is already verbally abusing a woman from the outset of the relationship, then the biggest problem is that we’re beside a man who is not worthy of us. Beyond this, we are forced to think deeply about why we remain beside him and tolerate his abuse. Childhood traumas and suffering cause the sort of weakness and dependence that will not allow us to escape an abusive relationship. If the patterns ingrained on us in childhood were healthy, we wouldn’t tolerate it and wouldn’t remain in such relationships, or we wouldn’t be attracted to them. What follows from all this is that we must recognize that we are the ones who tolerate and allow this form of abuse. It was our choice. If we don’t begin addressing it or don’t escape it, then the situation will remain the same.
It is likely that the abusive individual has also been hurt because a true man would not allow himself to abuse a woman. If the relationship is just beginning, we should act immediately and cut the relationship short. If we’ve already spent years this way, it is better to consider how much we are willing to bear and how far we allow ourselves to be abused. It is a great lack of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence that prevents us from taking action. If we love ourselves enough, we don’t wish to be abused. It’s difficult to make the decision because the dependence is very strong, but once we make it and resolve to leave the relationship, then very soon we will find relief.
If the aggression was not present at the start, but only became characteristic lately, then it is very probable that the reason is something in us which began to displease the man. If some aspect of us doesn’t please the man, he finds it difficult to express due to his shallower skills of communication. Perhaps there is something we are not doing well, but we don’t notice it, although it is apparent to someone else. At first, he makes subtle remarks, but when there is no reaction from the listener, he begins to sharpen his comments, which become increasingly harsh and bitter. In the end, we begin fighting, which will result in no solution. Since men communicate much more poorly than women, they drastically simplify their words, employing some power-based regime to enforce their will. This stems from the nature of men, which we must understand instead of accusing them for it.
When we are hurt, we must not go to battle with them. Instead, we need to take a step back and perceive what is happening as an observer, taking in both the man and ourselves. In our examination, we need to identify the feeling that arises during the abuse and communicate it to him such as “That hurts me,” “That makes me sad,” or “It scares me when you talk that way.” This must be done very quietly, because only then can you achieve your aim. Later, we may continue, “You know, I love you very much, and you’re very important to me, but it’s no good this way, and I won’t be able to live with you like this much longer. If I can somehow change things, then please tell me and help me. It’s not that I want to serve you. I only want to be happy with you. Please tell me, and I’ll understand.” If at this point, he explains what has offended him, then we should listen and take action. We should also convey how good it was that he told us because that way we moved closer to a solution. Later, we should expand on this and express our demands in relation to him.
Very much depends on feminine communication. (I cover this in detail in the book.) If we are capable of remaining women and communicating as women, then we are also capable of making changes.